With this newsletter I am excited to share with you matters I care about, hoping that it will inspire you to reflect, act and develop greater confidence and self-awareness in your roles. Because the most important relationship in our life is the one we have with our Self!

November is the month of Thanks-giving…

So, let us begin this month by giving thanks to ourself for all that we have accomplished in the past month, the past year, and the years behind us. Let’s continue by thanking all the people that have touched our life in one way or another, helped us grow, learn and progress. Let’s thank the people who love us and accept us for who we are. I invite you to spread the thanks giving throughout the month of November,as you would spread butter on bread and enjoy the taste of gratitude.

… and a month of awareness,

I suppose you’ve heard of hashtag#movember , the annual event when men grow moustaches to raise awareness for prostate cancer, testicular cancer and men’s suicide. If you google it, you will find out that November is also an awareness month for pancreatic and lung cancer. As a cancer survivor myself, I promote and support these initiatives – early awareness and detection save lives!

November is also an awareness month for Alzheimers disease, epilepsy and diabetes. I’ve lost my aunt to Alzheimers and two uncles, one to epilepsy and the other to diabetes.

Some of you will wonder and maybe judge, why am I writing this here, on LinkedIn, right? This is not the right place for such information, isn’t it? But, in today’s world of fast living so many of us get disconnected and detached from our bodies due to too much work, too many obligations, so little time and living life on auto pilot. We become alien to our bodies and then we are surprised when illness comes “out of nowhere”.

No! Our bodies communicate with us constantly, through subtle sensations, tingling, temperature change or pain. We need to tune in, learn how to listen and communicate with our own Self. I invite you, in the month of November, to make time for yourself, listen carefully to what your body is telling you and go check yourself!

Onward…

Toxic relationships and creating healthy boundaries

A while ago I was having one of those busy days when a colleague grabbed me in the hallway around 4 p.m. I was in the middle of a huge project that was taking all of my focus, energy, resources and a lot of overtime – and, she was quite aware of that. Nevertheless, she pushed me in my office and, with what I perceived a strict and kind of a bullying tone of voice, requested documents related to another project that was due in 4 months. I responded this was not the right moment for it, there is a lot on my plate right now that is a priority, I don’t intend staying at work until 3 a.m. in the morning and I will deliver the document to her by the end of the week. Well, she didn’t like my answer, so she involved our boss and increased the pressure – that project was more important, they were supposed to deliver a report to the big boss the next morning and I should stay until 3 am in the morning to finish the work, when necessary. She added: “You are lucky you don’t have children, so you don’t have to go home”, to which our boss stayed quiet and emotionally cold like a computer. I was in shock and the only thing I wanted was to remove myself from the situation as soon as possible. As I entered my office and closed the door behind me, I immediately burst into tears.

Whether in our personal or professional life, we all have experienced a toxic relationship. With a partner, colleague, boss, friend, relative or a parent – toxic relationships “can exist in just about any context, from the playground to the boardroom to the bedroom“. I have experience in many contexts. I bet, you too 🙂 Both people suffer in toxic relationships, in their own way. Usually they sway between a victim and a perpetrator. You can notice you are in a toxic relationship when you feel like you constantly have to defend yourself or prove your worth. Based on conflict, competition, judgement and the need for control, toxic relationships threaten our well being. So, we better do something about it, right?

The thing is, if you are not part of a relationship, there wouldn’t be a relationship at all. It is composed of two parts, and both contribute in a certain way for the relationship to exist. Becoming aware of what you put in it is the first step to self-care and healthy relationships with others. Just as we are mirrors to other people, other people are mirrors in which we see our own reflection. As much as we want to, we can not change what others see, hear or feel. But, but we can change what we see, hear or feel.

It is important to know that, whether you decide to stay in or leave a toxic relationship, both decisions are valid. If you decide to stay, then you better begin setting boundaries.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” Brené Brown

Boundaries define the physical and psychological space around us.

• What is me and what is not me?
• Where do I end and the world begins?
• Where do I end and you begin?
• What is inside of me and what is outside of me?
• What am I comfortable with?

Boundaries define our relationship with ourselves, with others and with the world!

How we set and communicate our boundaries within, with others and with the world, deeply affects our relationships.

Which leads me to an announcement,

Join me and my dear friend and fellow coach Dilek Süzal Coach PCC, M.Arch for a coffee session on 9th of November at 12hrs to discover different ways for setting and communicating boundaries, so that you can create healthy relationships around you. Schedule it in your calendar, we are looking forward to your input. Here is the link:

If you wish to explore more, you can read about the 7 types of boundaries you may need here.

Last, but not least…

The next morning, just as I arrived, my boss showed up in my office and apologized. It felt good. The colleague, on the other hand, remained silent for the next two days. By the third day I have replayed the movie in my head a thousand times and also, had some time to get space and to reflect. I knocked on her door and asked if we could talk, she was surprised by my request giving me a look as if there was nothing to talk about. Among others I said: “You don’t know if maybe my biggest pain in life is that I can’t have children, and what I do with my time outside of this building is none of your business” – the skin on her face turned pale. A few moments after she apologized.

Whether she understood my point of view or not, what was her opinion of me – none of that is my business. Our relationship after this conversation improved, the boundaries were clearly set.

To close,

My message for the month of November is learned from a friend ❤️ thank you Nicole!

Saying no to the world is saying yes to yourself.

Conversation starters:

(Sharing knowledge and inspiration)

I’m reading and watching:

• Nonviolent Communication – re-reading the masterpiece of Marshall B. Rosenberg
• The Heart of a Woman by Maya Angelou
• Encanto an animated film by Byron Howard und Jared Bush