To thrive and lead a fulfilling life, I believe we need to nurture the most important relationship in our life – the one we have with our Self! Thus, my intention here is to share with you matters I hope you’ll find useful to guide you on your journey to create a loving relationship with yourself and others, and to build a life you desire.

Shall we begin?

It’s been more than a week since August began and for some, it is the month of empty offices, low workload, quietness, vacations and rest. For others, like me, the past few weeks brought a number of situations that disturbed me to my core. The very interesting part I observed is that: while the females were solving the challenge in a very smooth and elegant way, full of understanding and empathy for each other and the situation, at one point all of the cases escalated by men getting involved.

Recently, during a training at a large pharmaceutical company on negotiation skills, I tasked the group to simulate a negotiation in their field. It was a heterogenous group made of both men and women. The beginning of the negotiations went very well. All members were equally involved, the conversation was moving towards a win-win, and I was proud of how fast they learned. Until two of the alpha males in the opposite teams didn’t grab each other by the neck showing off who has a bigger “stick”, which is when the negotiations came to an end, and there was no deal.

The other day I met someone from Ukraine, a wonderful person, highly qualified professional – unfortunately, displaced from their home in Kyiv, jobless, powerless… who lost a sister and a best friend, both due to illness that could not be treated as a result of the war. They are not the only one in this situation, there are millions! You are aware who escalated the war in Ukraine, aren’t you? And, who escalated the current wars in Gaza and Sudan?

It is a fact that international politics are dominated by men. Data compiled by UN Women show that women represent only 23.3 per cent of Cabinet members heading Ministries, leading a policy area as of 1 January 2024. Only 18 countries have a woman Head of State, and 15 countries have a woman Head of Government. Shocking, right?

It is not, then, unusual that diplomatic efforts to end wars are failing.

Let’s dig deeper…

The Stick of Leadership: Gender Inequality in Power

In this masculine dominant world we live in, the concept of “who has the bigger stick”isn’t just a metaphor for power and dominance — it’s a complex interplay of social expectations, cultural norms, and individual psychology. This phrase, often used humorously to describe competitive posturing among men, actually touches on deeper aspects of gender dynamics and identity.

From an evolutionary standpoint, competition among males is hardly a new phenomenon. Research in evolutionary biology suggests that the desire to establish dominance and secure status has roots in our primal past. In many species, males compete for resources, territory, and mating opportunities, with those exhibiting greater strength, intelligence, or Machiavellian manoeuvres often emerging as leaders. This evolutionary legacy has left its mark on human behavior, where the “bigger stick” can be seen as a symbol of superiority, whether in physical strength, wealth, or social influence. It captures a longstanding societal preoccupation with dominance, especially in male-dominated fields like politics, corporate leadership, and warfare.

But what does this mean in the broader context of gender inequality, particularly in leadership roles? And how does this mindset shape the world we live in today?

Current conflicts, such as the ongoing war in Ukraine, are stark reminders of how deeply ingrained masculine notions of power and dominance are in global geopolitics.

War, in many ways, is the ultimate expression of the “bigger stick” mentality—a zero-sum game where the goal is to subdue or eliminate the opponent. Historically, leaders who engage in war are often seen as asserting their dominance on the global stage, wielding their “stick” in the most literal and destructive sense.

Yet, the cost of this approach is devastating. The human toll, economic ruin, and long-term societal and psychological scars are profound. It’s a high price for proving who has the “bigger stick,” and it raises the question: Is this the most effective way to lead?

Before we move on, an announcement:

The experience designed to help you grow is just around the corner: tailor-made NLP Practitioner training in Vienna (27-29 September) and Skopje (4-6 October). When you register by the end of August you get a special early bird price.

A glimpse from the recent training with the Women of Impact Leadership Programme(Лидерска програма за жени со влијание), where I talk about the New Code NLP tool called the “Chain of Excellence“. You will learn amazing NLP tools to help you shine. Because,

if you want to shine on the outside, you need to work on the inside.

To continue,

Female Leadership Styles: A Different Kind of “Stick”

Leadership has long been a male-dominated arena, with women often sidelined despite possessing the same, if not superior, capabilities. A 2020 report by the World Economic Forum highlighted that, despite progress in some areas, gender parity in leadership roles remains a distant goal, with women holding only 27% of managerial positions globally.

The metaphorical “stick” of leadership – whether in terms of decision-making power, visibility, or influence – still largely resides in the hands of men.

This disparity is deeply rooted in societal norms that equate leadership with traditionally masculine traits such as assertiveness, decisiveness, and competitiveness. These traits are often mistaken for effective leadership, overshadowing the equally important qualities of empathy, collaboration, and emotional intelligence – qualities that are frequently associated with female leadership styles.

Research shows that women often bring a different approach to leadership, one that is increasingly recognized for its effectiveness. A study published in the Harvard Business Review in 2020 found that women in leadership roles were rated more highly than men in key competencies, including resilience, collaboration, and the ability to motivate others.

Female leaders tend to adopt a more transformational style, focusing on bonding, understanding, mentoring, and creating a supportive work environment. This contrasts with the more transactional, directive style often associated with male leaders, who might be more focused on achieving immediate results and asserting authority. The transformational approach is not only effective but also crucial in today’s complex, rapidly changing world, where the ability to adapt and inspire collective action is paramount.

Not surprisingly, there is a growing movement to redefine what leadership and power mean, moving away from the outdated notion of dominance and control. This shift is reflected in the increasing emphasis on gender diversity in leadership and the recognition of different leadership styles as valuable, necessary and more profitable.

The rise of female leaders like Jacinda Ardern, former Prime Minister of New Zealand, and Angela Merkel, former Chancellor of Germany, illustrates the impact of leadership that balances strength with compassion, and decisiveness with empathy.

These leaders demonstrate that the true measure of leadership is not the size of one’s “stick,” but the ability to lead with integrity, understanding, and a focus on the greater good.

Being a Macedonian, I am proud to say that we are a country that has a female president.

Before we finish,

The Psychological Toll

Psychologists have long studied the implications of male competition and the pressure to conform to traditional masculine ideals. Dr. Ronald F. Levant, a pioneer in the psychology of men and masculinity, suggests that many men feel compelled to adhere to a “masculine script” that emphasizes toughness, stoicism, and success. This script often leads to what Levant terms “normative male alexithymia,” a condition where men struggle to express emotions, instead channelling their feelings into competitive behavior.

However, this constant need to prove oneself can have detrimental effects on mental health. The American Psychological Association (APA) highlights that

men who feel pressured to conform to traditional masculine norms are at a higher risk of experiencing anxiety, depression, and substance abuse.

The “bigger stick” metaphor, while humorous, can thus mask the real psychological burden carried by many men.

In my open personal development trainings 95% are women. Sharing this idea with colleagues, they confirmed the same. Globally, research also shows this trend of females investing more in their personal development. This leaves me wondering, while women are working on improving themselves, developing their human skillset, men are falling behind.

As women, what are we doing with our men?

As men, how are you contributing to creating a loving, prospering and peaceful world around you?

To conclude, we need to move beyond the “Bigger Stick” mindset! As society evolves, so too must our understanding of leadership. The real power lies not in domination, but in the ability to lead inclusively and ethically, to embrace different perspectives, and to foster environments where everyone—regardless of gender—can thrive.

In the end, the “stick” that truly matters is the one that builds bridges, not barriers, and that creates opportunities rather than conflicts. As we continue to challenge traditional notions of masculinity and leadership, we move closer to a world where power is shared more equitably, and where leadership is defined by the ability to uplift others rather than outdo them.

To finish,

My message for the month of August is:

Let’s help our men connect with their emotions in a loving way.

* In this article many generalizations have been made taking into consideration statistical data. There are always exceptions.

A suggestion for your further reading:

Smile and the world smiles back!– an article about mirror neurons.

Are you practicing savouring? – a past Self-Expedition newsletter that teaches you how to make positive experiences last.

Inspiration and Information Sources:

I’m reading and watching:

• The Chalice and the Blade, a book Riane Eisler exploring “how society constructs roles and relations between the female and male halves of humanity.”
• The Unanswered Question – a lection series on music and linguistics by Harvard University professor Leonard Bernstein