Photo by Tamanna Rumee on Unsplash
That feeling of inferiority, that I am small in respect to the other – that was my feeling! It turned out that the others had nothing to do with it. It was only mine and only I could change it.
So, I started giving attention to my Self. The initial sneak peak inside felt good.
My Curiosity awakened and called Patience for a walk. Patience is a good companion to have in life. She always says: “Everything comes at the right moment.” I have to thank the cancer for making her stronger.
As I started looking deeply inside, I met my Self, with all my parts and layers. I saw Joy. I saw Love, she reminded me of my mother. I met Determination and Creativity inherited from my father. I saw the childish Naiveté and the fiery Anger. I met the motivated Victory. The healthy Vita, named by my grand-grandmother. The playful Eroticism. The anxious Fear, too.
It was getting darker and deeper, but I went further as Curiosity was tugging down my sleeve. Courage was walking next to me.
Down there in the darkness I met Shame hiding. As Jung said it, shame is the swampland of the soul. My eyes were still adjusting to the darkness as I saw it, she had a tattoo on her forehead: “I am not good enough!”
As I looked better, Shame was not alone. In the other corner, her majesty Grandiosity was glowing. I met her, too. She had a different tattoo. Hers’ said: “I am better than you” and a visibly irritable attitude.
One evening I invited them both for tea. I invited Honesty, too. Wisdom showed up uninvited. We spent a magical evening together. Just as the coaster on my table says: “Tea is the answer to everything”, we all opened up. Shame was yearning for Recognition and Acceptance. Grandiosity, too. They were both longing for Love. The party grew bigger as we invited the three of them. We talked, listened, we cried, we hugged and even danced at the end, as Fun and all the others joined the party.
It was a magical evening, somewhere along my self-expedition journey. Allowing my Self to simply be, in all its shades and colours. All the parts cooperating together. Loving my Self and appreciating my Self for what it is, not more and not less.
And so, I began valuing myself – in the size and shape that I am.
At some point I needed to talk with my manager and ask for promotion. My existence depended on this job. At least that was my deeply rooted belief at that time. Aware of my worth for the first time in my life I asked for what I believed I deserve. With long years of experience under my belt and with dedicated work, I believed everybody could see my worth. I saw it!
I chose to believe that she was aware of my worth too, but she had given away her Power to the system. It happens sometimes that we give our Power away to something or someone else.
The system was happy to keep me at the same position.
Then, something amazing happened. Something that has never happened before. I heard a very soft voice come out of my mouth: “You don’t have to value me, I value my Self” and politely rejected the position that so many people were craving for.
For a brief moment Guilt showed her face, but Pride took her by the hand.
A feeling of wholeness.
The queendom within.
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